Introduction to the Pilot Episode:
A black and white episode of "The Burns and Allen Show" flickers onto the screen. A couple of jokes between George and Gracie, and suddenly the disembodied noggin of The Head Man -- in color -- pops out of George's head and takes over the screen.
How do we know the Head Man isn't lying, or just plain crazy? Because he's hacked the files, and he's learned the truth about himself, and so now he knows how to leave the planet. But, as The Head Man takes his leave, his gift to us is that he's left the stolen files all over the web for us to find. Everyone's file -- including yours.
Whether this gift is a good thing or a Trojan horse, remains to be seen.
Just don't think you've seen the last of The Head Man.
The first file he has left for us to watch is Episode #1.
Episode #1 -- Government File 1-123
Meet Diamond and Jeremy, two twenty-something friends with benefits who finally face the fact that they are really in love with each other. They agree they will stop meeting for Sunday night sex at Jeremy's apartment and actually go on a real date for the first time next weekend.
Jumpcut: Five years later. Diamond never showed up for that date five years earlier. Jeremy eventually got married (to Shiri), had a son (Armin), got divorced. And now he's run into Diamond again and they've just spent the night together in his apartment. The old spark is still there. But so many unanswered questions will have to be answered before this relationship can move forward.
Diamond is hiding under the bedcovers. She wants to reveal her truth to Jeremy, but she's sure it will spell the end of their relationship. It is why she disappeared five years ago.
You see, Diamond is a Martian. And it ain't so pretty. But, if Jeremy will accept her for what she is, she is willing to commit to him. It's just that she can't pretend to be human anymore. In order to stay on Earth, she has to be in Martian form.
Incredibly, Jeremy is not put off by Diamond's green fangs, radioactive acid blood, and decorative secretions, let alone the quills and orifices which range over her body. And he's okay with the claws as well.
Of course, she will never be able to leave the apartment.
Jumpcut: Five years later. Diamond is more Martian than ever, and she's pretty darn sexy for a creature that has lots of dangerous appendages. Sex appeal has certainly helped Jeremy and Diamond stay together for these past five years, and tonight's the night that Diamond wants to excite Jeremy with a special Martian lovemaking trick she's been saving for this anniversary. A special little something involving the multiple tongues that Diamond's never shown Jeremy before.
But Jeremy seems asleep and disinterested as Diamond unveils her surprise. And that's when Diamond's tongues accidentally crack off Jeremy's penis. And he doesn't react. Jeremy isn't asleep, he's quite dead. But now his voice comes to Diamond, directly into her head.
Jeremy reveals himself to be a wandering galactic soul who came to Earth to woo Diamond. The body she knows as Jeremy is just a borrowed corpse, and Jeremy has now abandoned it in order to affirm his commitment to Diamond as his true self in his true form. He will have no physical being, and yet he can be a part of every aspect of Diamond's being, intellectually, emotionally, sexually. They will be more together, connected, entwined than ever before, and, some day, in due course, her body will die and her soul will join Jeremy's forever on the cosmic plane.
Except not so fast. It occurs to Diamond that if Jeremy's her inevitable destiny, what's the rush to get there? Why not have some more fun here in the material world first. Particularly since she has a distant crush on Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and a real and immediate need for this Fall's Blahnik collection at Barney's.
As for Jeremy, realizing that Diamond's commitment to him is certain but not of the moment, and that she's about to go back to her old ways of Friday and Saturday night lovers, his soul jumps back into the abandoned body. The good news is that the body will be revitalized and the missing piece will grow back. Even bigger.
Hey, them's the rules, don't argue.
So Diamond morphs back into her Earthling persona, losing all visible traces of her Martian truth. The truth can wait, time now to fit in again and be able to get out into the world after being cooped up for so long.
Diamond and Jeremy leave the apartment but plan on hooking up next Sunday night, just like the good old days.
Their image goes off-screen and The Head Man appears instead, with Burns and Allen fading in underneath him. He tells us we've now seen one file, but it is just the tip of the iceberg. Want more? Here are more:
Episodes #2 through #5 -- Government Files 2-177, 3-224, 4-983, and 5-666
One day, Diamond stops by Jeremy's office, falls for his colleague Ian and begins dating him. Jealous, Jeremy's soul leaves his borrowed body and spies on Diamond and Ian.
What Jeremy eventually sees is something that Diamond does not see: Ian is no Earthling, he is a Cosmological Nautilus, a puzzle shell monster, an empty cosmic scavenger who is slowly filling out his being by stealing the essences of other lifeforms and internalizing them, each acquired lifeform imprisoned in a separate chamber inside Ian.
And, when Ian sexily peels off one of Diamond's Martian gills during their lovemaking and swallows it, Jeremy senses that Ian is after Diamond for something more than romance.
Flush with his knowledge of Ian's truth, Jeremy's soul rushes back to his own body, finds it odd that his body is a few feet away from where he thought he'd left it. But there's no time to dwell on that, Jeremy hurries to warn Diamond about Ian... and she doesn't believe him. She is particularly miffed that Jeremy has shown up on a Saturday, but she's also more than a little turned on that he's been spying on her. Nonetheless she angrily cancels tomorrow's Sunday tryst with Jeremy.
Certain that Ian means to acquire Diamond, Jeremy goes straight to Ian's home, confronts the Nautilus and finds that Ian would much rather have Jeremy. A wandering galactic soul is much more important to Ian filling out his Nautilus self than a plain old Martian like Diamond. Plus Ian can't quite explain it, but he found himself not so attracted to Diamond anymore after he chowed down her gill.
Ian snatches Jeremy's soul from his borrowed body and makes off with him, leaving the lifeless body behind. Ian is now closer to completing his total self, but there are still a few puzzle pieces to go, and, as far as Ian can tell, none of them are on Earth -- Ian prepares to leave the planet.
Inside his chamber inside Ian, Jeremy's soul (taking a space-conforming shape we will now call JSOUL) meets his nearest two neighbors who are each trapped in their own chambers: Holmes and Watson.
The two insist they have no special attributes and that Ian has imprisoned them by mistake. Nonetheless, they've been trapped here for an eternity, or at least as long as they can remember because they don't remember ever being anywhere else. But, they desperately want out, and they have an escape plan, and JSOUL's arrival is propitious because his innocent knowledge of long-term destiny is the final key to their freedom. Although JSOUL does not trust Holmes and Watson, he feels he has no choice but to work with them to try to escape.
Saturday night, Diamond is stood up by Ian. Sunday she phones Jeremy and he doesn't answer. Monday she goes to the office to confront Ian, as much to prove Jeremy wrong as to prove Jeremy right. The fact is that Jeremy's worries for her have started to take root, and she certainly doesn't want to lose Jeremy in any event.
She's beginning to think she just really doesn't understand men at all. Could it be that, in fact, there are no Earth men? Maybe no Earthlings at all? Is everyone on Earth really an alien, a monster? Or are men just unreliable creeps that women fool themselves into believing they can't live without, while women are obtuse, obscure, emotional, and fickle, and men are too impatient and too terrified of their own feelings to really want to get to know them? Who's from Mars and who's from Venus, again?
At the office, Diamond finds that neither Ian nor Jeremy has shown up for work, but, before she can take a next step, Jeremy's ex-wife Shiri and 5 year old son Armin arrive.
In the last two days, Armin has suddenly aged 50 years. His pediatrician and genetic experts have told Shiri to hurry and find Jeremy because it looks like Armin is suffering from some genetic anomaly inherited from his father, Jeremy. The only hope is to test Jeremy's DNA and try to see why Jeremy has not aged as fast as Armin. Maybe an infusion of DNA from Jeremy will stop Armin's sudden ageing. For her part, the doctors can find absolutely nothing abnormal about Shiri's DNA. She is as "human" as human can be...
(Of course, we viewers know the truth: Armin's ageing is tied to Jeremy's soul being taken and imprisoned by Ian.)
Diamond, Shiri, and Armin go to look for Jeremy. He is not at his place. (Neither is Jeremy's body, we viewers realize. Where'd it go?) But everything here is a mess -- sticky stuff on the floor and walls, and Ian's possessions strewn all over, like someone's been tossing the place (not the way we viewers recall it).
Annoyingly, there are TVs all over the house, and there are a lot of them, and they are all "on". And the channel is some sort of infomercial where the host is "Edita". She's hawking some sort of cleaning product that seems quite literally "out of this world".
What's weird is that, as Diamond and Shiri and Armin hunt around Ian's place for clues, we viewers notice that Edita seems to be watching them from inside the TV screen. And when Shiri turns off a TV, it pops back on as soon as she turns her back and steps away from it.
Edita is most definitely watching as Diamond finds clues that tell her that Jeremy was there. However, other clues lead Shiri to deduce that Jeremy left the place under his own power.
When Diamond and Shiri sense they are being watched, and they turn to confront Edita on TV, Edita meets their gaze and all the TVs go dark.
Told you it was weird.
Meanwhile, Ian has left the time/space planes which constitute the Earth and he is moving through Twistor space, trying to focus his consciousness so as to be regrounded at an unspecified celestial target. With Ian thus engaged, Holmes, Watson, and JSOUL attempt their intricate escape...
Back on Earth, Diamond, Shiri, and Armin are following a trail left by Jeremy's body, even as they keep thinking that Edita is following them (but that would be impossible, right?).
Well ahead of his pursuers, Jeremy's body (which, yes, we shall call JBOD) is indeed "alive". The real and former Jeremy -- the creature that had lived and died on Earth before a wandering galactic soul jumped into it and made it active again -- is now undead on its own terms, with no extraneous piggybacking JSOUL. The one thing JSOUL did for JBOD was revitalize him, reanimate him, and now it certainly appears he is immortal, albeit pretty ragged looking.
But what sort of creature is JBOD, and where is he headed?
JBOD is from a species known as Regressives. They were forever spread throughout the universe, propagating, evolving, flourishing, in slightly different forms depending on locale. BUT their true destiny was anti-Darwinian.
The Regressives have always contradictorily believed that what they are meant to do is die off naturally, to be whittled down to just one last individual, and when that would happen, when there would be just one Regressive left, he or she or it would be shown the secrets of the universe and would instantly evolve and coalesce to omnipotence.
Of course, it's awfully hard to convince an entire species that the goal of their collective existence is to die, and it's even harder to know how to choose the lone one who should live and become god. Particularly just in case the whole religious dogma turns out to be wrong. Plus, if you're the only one left and you're god, there's no one around to idolize you and hand over your virgins.
In all events, the Regressives were too everywhere and were never so organized or able to be in contact with each other as to make any attempt to fulfill their destiny. It's just that, after flourishing forever, they did begin to die off anyway. Turns out they weren't exactly world beaters as a species, but it might well be true that the meekest of the meek shall inherit not only the Earth but the universe's parking concessions as well.
So, as he was first dying, JBOD was gifted with a vision that he was in fact only one of two Regressives who were left, and his death would leave just one who would be shown the path to the Impossible Place where the knowledge of godliness would come. But, the thing is, in the instant of death, JBOD saw the location of the Impossible Place and saw that all the mythology was true and realized that all Regressives see all this at the moment of death -- they see everything they were, and everything they could have been, had they been the last one, The Chosen One.
Now you know where this is going. In the instant JBOD died, JSOUL jumped into him and owned him. So JBOD was revitalized but could do nothing about making a pilgrimage to the Impossible Place. Until now. Until JSOUL released JBOD when Ian snatched JSOUL.
Meaning, JBOD is on his way to the Impossible Place, where he will confront a really pissed off Regressive named James, because James was meant to be the last Regressive, meant to be god, and JBOD's revitalization stopped that process even after James had seen the Impossible Place and everything meant to be bestowed upon him.
As Shiri and Armin close in on JBOD, he enters the Impossible Place and dukes it out with James. It is both an intellectual and physical battle. One of them must die for the other to become god. But, one last bit of Regressive mythology turns out to be true: one Regressive cannot cause the death of another Regressive. It is simply impossible. It is the reason that Regressive destiny has always been so elusive.
The fight between James and JBOD goes nowhere, and they finally stop. They will have to wait for one of them to die naturally or at the hands of some other.
Inside the Nautilus, Holmes, Watson, and JSOUL make good their escape from Ian, finding themselves in some sort of streaming digital space, a place consisting entirely of information, of every creature and action and communication from every place and time in history. While they encounter creatures and characters from the past, even from recorded media, those characters interact with them in the present, altering what will be considered the historical record in the future.
Imagine if you meet Burns and Allen here, and you chat with them, and then they refer to that in an episode of their series which in fact they recorded thirty years before you were born, bearing in mind that when you were born they were already dead.
In this seemingly inexplicable realm, Holmes and Watson suddenly remember that they are not Holmes and Watson at all -- they are Lieutenant Geordi La Forge and Lieutenant Commander Data, Star Trek crew members of the fictional Starship Enterprise, and they had been role-playing as Holmes and Watson on the holodeck of their ship when they somehow wound up inside Ian.
JSOUL is doubly puzzled that fictional characters have realized they are different characters, equally fictional. JSOUL wonders who Holmes and Watson really are, and he is more certain than ever that they cannot be trusted.
James and JBOD exit the Impossible Place and back out to Earth, where Shiri and Armin are waiting. Shiri beseeches JBOD for help with Armin's medical condition, only for JBOD to crumble into dust! JBOD is finally dead and gone. At the same instant, Armin starts to become younger. (This is in fact because JSOUL is no longer imprisoned within Ian, but none of the characters know this yet.)
James is ecstatic. He expects to become god, but it doesn't happen. He realizes that Armin is a Regressive, as the son of JBOD, but how is it that Armin's DNA is pure enough to block James' destiny?
Edita pops out of Shiri's cellphone screen. Edita is now life-sized, she has mass, yet light shines through her. She is a hologram but she is "lifelike" in the sense that she is reactive and can learn. And she grabs Shiri.
Turns out that Shiri is a Universal Mother, a creature as rare as a unicorn throughout the cosmos. Universal Mothers can be impregnated by ANY species, and the child they birth will have only the DNA of the "father".
The revelation that Armin is pure progeny of JBOD out of Shiri has revealed the truth of Shiri, who always thought she was human and still refuses to believe otherwise.
But Edita has been sent here on a mission to find a Universal Mother, to impregnate her with a fictional hologram so that a new hologram can finally be born as its own lifeform without the programming of an outside "creator". Edita is here because someone somewhere (a character we will eventually meet and call "Ingrid") wants holograms to become truly alive and self-propagating.
Edita disappears into Shiri's cellphone with a terrified Shiri. On their way to Ingrid? Or where? Where does this cellular rabbit hole lead?
As James faces down Armin while the latter continues to grow younger, Diamond understands what's happening because she knows JSOUL best: Armin is the son of JBOD and JSOUL. Armin is therefore a chimera: as mass, Armin is pure Regressive, but his spirit is an extension, a quantum entanglement of JSOUL. And there is no Regressive cosmic law which prevents James from imprisoning or killing Armin's spirit, JSOUL. Either instance would lead to the collateral death of Armin's body. Diamond has got to find JSOUL and protect him from James.
Diamond attempts to flee, to take Armin with her to Mars, but finds herself inexplicably unable to escape Earth, as James threatens to kidnap Armin. James cannot kill Armin (those darn Regressive rules again), but he means to use him as bait to lure out JSOUL.
And that's when John and Bonnie show up.
John and Bonnie are Diamond's parents, and they appear to be very human rather than Martian. And, yes, they look remarkably well for creatures that Diamond thought she ate many years ago.
John and Bonnie claim that, in fact, they and Diamond are Regressives, and they certainly appear to be. This causes James to lament how "wrong" he was to think his destiny imminent.
John and Bonnie and Diamond and Armin get away. They need to find JSOUL.
But, as they leave, John and Bonnie and Diamond shift from Regressive to something indefinable, something ambiguous at best.
James realizes he's been duped, and he means to hunt down JSOUL.
Our final secret in the First Season among the denizens of "Secret Bedfellows" is that John and Bonnie -- and Diamond -- are of a species called Seemlies, and, wherever they go, their molecular biogenetic truth becomes whatever species is indigenous to the place. So on Mars, they are Martians, and on Earth, well, there are no Earthlings, so they become whatever non-Earthlings they encounter, which is why John and Bonnie pretty much avoid Earth since they can't maintain a consistent persona. The only way to hang onto a species form for any length of time is to be physically interconnected with an attribute of it, and that can be problematic.
So John and Bonnie showed up here because they realized Diamond was in trouble and that Diamond was just realizing there was something wrong with her lifelong belief that she was Martian because, without her understanding the causal connection, Ian had stripped off the Martian gill which John and Bonnie had long ago attached to Diamond in order to maintain her Martian tendencies.
John and Bonnie come clean about the lie they've perpetrated on Diamond. They also explain who the "parents" were that Diamond ate. (This Spoiler we shall save!)
None of this makes Diamond very happy.
Meanwhile, in Information Space, La Forge and Data and JSOUL wend their way, trying to find a path back to mass and time, constantly derailed by the ever-changing characters of history and media which they encounter. La Forge and Data -- first "realizing" that they are Starship crew members rather than Holmes and Watson, are now starting to "remember" they are something else as well or instead, and their confusion is creating mixed motives. More and more, La Forge and Data -- or Holmes and Watson -- or whoever they are -- seem to want to undo their escape and return to Ian.
Finally, La Forge and Data and JSOUL push through a portal and find themselves facing a vast play of endless information stream. But, directly in front of them is the back of a black leather executive chair, and someone is in the chair, watching the stream.
JSOUL "ahems", and the chair revolves around to face them.
In it is The Head Man.
"I was wondering when you'd get here," is what he says.
Thus ends Season One of "Secret Bedfellows"
-- edgy sci-fi with comedy, heart, and monstrous proportions.